Don't be a jammer | Mountain Sledder
Colin Wallace | On 08, Feb 2015
Jammers. Jammers jammers jammers jammers jammers.
Now some of you may be wondering, “Hey Cdub, what the deuce is a jammer?”
Jammers are like the empty juice container in the fridge, jammers are like the scissors that don’t cut paper they just kinda fold it, jammers are like the snow that falls on your seat when you open the truck door, jammers are like the puddle of water that you don’t see by the sink and you step in and soak your socks (ughhhhhh), jammers are like the butter that is too hard and doesn’t spread and just tears the bread, jammers are like the orange that you put all the effort into peeling and then it tastes gross. Ughhhhhhhhhhh that’s the blurst!
Jammers are those people you make plans with and then they back out (usually) nanoseconds before you head out the door to meet them.
Jamming can take on many forms:
The ‘maybe’ jammer.
The least flattering form of jamming. They ‘maybe’ you all the way up to or very close to the day of the activity then WHAMMO! “Sorry bud can’t make it”. Jammer.
EXAMPLE OF MAYBE JAMMER:
Activity planner: “Hello, would you like to participate in this activity at this time at this location?”
Prospective activity participant: “Maaaaaaaaaaybe…”
What the prospective activity participant actually means: “I like the idea but I’m not gonna commit”.
No. No no no no no no no no. You are off the list of prospective activity participants. Do not commit to a maybe jammer, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
The night before jammer:
This is the most courteous jam, you have been given 12 or so hours notice and usually for a good reason. You can still piggyback someone else’s activity plan or formulate another activity plan of your own.
EXAMPLES OF NIGHT BEFORE JAMMING:
– My kid(s) came down with something nasty and require my attention.
– I got called into work. Unless you are independently wealthy, you need to work to pay for that new snowmobile. If you are independently wealthy and of the female persuasion, please contact Mountain Sledder world headquarters to obtain my telephone number.
– I’m dying. This is only acceptable if there is less than 30cm of new snow.
The morning of jammer:
You better have a good reason, what happened while you were asleep that now prohibits you from doing an activity?
EXAMPLES OF MORNING OF JAMMER:
– I’m dead. This is only acceptable if there is less than 30cm of new snow.
– Cookie monster broke into my house while I was sleeping and confused my arms with cookies. I now have no arms and that is going to drastically reduce my ability to hold onto handle bars.
– I think I ate something bad at the seafood buffet last night. Oh ya? I didn’t know frosty Pilsners were an item traditionally served at a seafood buffet. Here’s a no brainer: Drinking 32 frosty Pilsners the night before doing an activity will not leave you feeling your best. Being hung over is a horrible jamming reason.
The no call, no text, no show jammer:
Unless it’s a really good pal that took a bullet for you in ‘Nam this is an ‘auto dump’ situation. Yes, you can dump a friend. This is the most low-brow form of jamming and is usually followed by awkward grocery store bump intos.
EXAMPLE OF THE POST JAM AWKWARD GROCERY STORE BUMP INTO:
Jammer: “Oranges are on sale.”
Jammee: “Right on.”
Jammee: “Alright……………. later man.”
Jammer: “Hey sorry I missed ya the other day, something came up and I was meaning to call you.”
Jammee: “No worries, if it happens again I’m gonna cut you so bad you’ll wish I never cut you so bad.”
Jammee: “Nothing, see you around dude!”
Substitute a jam text for a jam call and jamming is at a whole new level.
If it isn’t quarantined and dealt with like a horrible disease as soon as possible, jamming can be ingrained into DNA and passed down through generations. I’m going to give you a simple formula for agreeing or not agreeing to an activity so you don’t become a jammer.
If you answer no to any of these questions, you are not participating in the activity. If you answer no to the first question, you can save yourself some time because there is no need to ask yourself the remaining two questions. Stop. Do not pass go. Continue to enjoy your pumpkin spice latte or whatever it was that you were already doing.
Do I enjoy the activity?
If the activity is getting drop kicked in the face, and you do not enjoy getting drop kicked in the face you should not agree to the activity. Therefore, the answer is “No I will not be participating in the activity”. Do not proceed to question two. If the answer is “Yes I enjoy getting drop kicked in the face”, proceed to question two.
Do I have the cash?
If getting drop kicked in the face costs $850.00 and you do not have $850.00, unfortunately you will not be participating in getting drop kicked in the face. If you have $850.00 to spend on getting drop kicked in the face proceed to question three.
Do I have the time?
If getting drop kicked in the face starts at 9:30 a.m. and you have a prior engagement at that time that cannot be broken, then getting drop kicked in the face is not going to happen for you on that day. If time is not going to constrain you from getting drop kicked in the face, pony up cowboy.
Hope this helps.