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Mountain Sledder Magazine | September 22, 2017

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Farmer's Almanac Winter 2018 Weather Forecast and Other Predictions

Farmer’s Almanac Winter 2018 Weather Forecast and Other Predictions

| On 25, Aug 2017

Once again, the Farmer’s Almanac brings us a long-term outlook that is big on headline and little on substance; here’s why their Winter 2018 weather forecast (that everyone gets so excited about each year!) can’t be trusted. But you should read it anyway, just for kicks!

 

Farmer’s Almanac Winter 2018 Weather Forecast is Bogus

If Mountain Sledder were to claim that we were in possession of a two-century-old secret recipe that allowed us to accurately predict the weather as far out as a year ahead of time, would you believe it? Maybe if it told you what you want to hear!

Have you ever read a horoscope in the paper that isn’t yours and realized, “Oh my god,” it is sooooo true? Well, that’s the astrological equivalent of the Farmer’s Almanac weather forecast. Anything can sound true if you make it general enough. Here’s what the Farmer’s Almanac says about Winter 2018:

“Depending on where you are in North America, you’ll either be donning shorts or shovels as we embark on The Cold, The Dry, The Wet & The Wild Winter Weather.”

So let’s get this straight. The Farmer’s Almanac is predicting that this winter will have some combination of cold, dry, wet and wild winter weather. You don’t say!

But they do go into a little more detail. Specifically for BC, the prediction is for above average temperatures and below normal precipitation. Now that doesn’t sound great, but you’ve got to take the source into consideration. Their forecast is based on a formula devised in 1818, back when steam-powered vessels were just beginning to ply the waters of the Great Lakes. Did they lick their finger and stick it out the window to come to this conclusion? We’ve come a long way since then.

And let’s consider the fact that the weather prediction guy’s name is Caleb Weatherbee. Weatherbee? C’mon! Is this a joke or what?

Let’s do ourselves a favour and forget about the attention-grabbing headline and the smoke and mirrors Farmer’s Almanac forecast. Let’s look at a REAL forecast, produced by REAL weather modelling technology that we’ve devised, right here at Mountain Sledder headquarters.

 

They didn't exactly have forecasting tools like this back in 1818, did they?

They didn’t exactly have forecasting tools like this back in 1818, did they?

 

 

Mountain Sledder Winter 2018 Weather Forecast and Other Predictions

It’s gonna be friggin’ snowy! Storms are going to come on like gangbusters, hitting hard and fast. There’s going to be an epic 2-day storm on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Thursdays of November through April.

Saturdays will dawn clear, total bluebird, no clouds. Right around 5pm on Saturday, another quick burst will roll through, with a 45cm reset overnight.

Sundays will be sunny and dry, with lower elevations melting out, providing dry pavement at highway elevations for the drive home after the weekend.

Storms will peak in intensity during holiday periods—Christmas break, spring break, Easter, long weekends.

Intermittent pulses will regularly pound the Interior and Coastal areas with snow in what will be the snowiest winter since the last ice age. In fact, 2018 will be the first year in the start of a new ice age that will last for several millennium. Time to buy stocks in the OEMs.

 

While we’re at it, here’s a few more predictions

The price of oil will skyrocket back up to $100/barrel, upping production everywhere and putting Albertans back to work. However, due to a surplus of refined product, pump prices will drop remarkably. Premium 91 octane will drop below 80¢ per litre. The price of race gas will drop by half (sorry VP!).

Bosses will realize what an asset their employees are and offer them 6 weeks paid vacation time in winter exclusively for the purposes of sledding trips. Accommodation, meals and entertainment expenses will also be covered (keep your receipts, of course).

In recognition of the dawn of a new ice age era, the British Columbia and Alberta NDP governments will issue each resident of the age of majority a new 2018 mountain sled of their choosing. Kids under 18 get SnoScoots! Somehow the budget is still balanced.

Due to our unsurpassed knowledge of how to thrive in a cold climate, Canada will become a new world super-power. Canadian producers will dominate the woollen mitten, long johns and snowshoes markets worldwide. Tim Hortons will start making smart phones and become the next big tech giant. Celine Dion will take on acting parts and win an Oscar for her role as Marshmallow in the live-action remake of Disney’s Frozen.

 

So there you have it! Our Winter 2018 weather forecast is probably just about as accurate at the Farmer’s Almanac. But we’ll be happy if it comes true! Especially the part about Celine Dion playing a giant pissed-off ice monster. Happy sledding!

 

— MS

 

 

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