Holidays: Bug Humbah
Or Bah Humbug, whatever, the best part of the holidays is the Canadian Tire catalogue.
Drive down to the ‘Tire and pick yourself up an axe (on sale of course, %70 off duh) and chop down your neighbours tree in their front yard. Not the nice hibiscus that prevents them from looking in your bathroom window, no, you need that. Go for the centerpiece: that goddam white spruce that has enough Christmas lights that it melted the snow for three square blocks around.
Next, head down the safety isle and grab yourself some industrial noise cancelling ear protection. The ones that have batteries and send out reverse soundwaves to cancel any incoming noise, and have super foam to caress your ears as you block out the eye gouging Christmas music as you negotiate your way through the beer store to grab some frosty vitamin P’s to numb the holidays.
Turning down the housewares isle will allow you to get your meat hooks on a turkey baster and roasting pan. Once you get your new baster and roasting pan home, pull the turkey out of the freezer, give it a quarter turn and throw it in the garbage. That should give you enough room in the pan for all the Christmas cards you received. You’re gonna wanna take the batteries out of the smoke detector and open a window cause the smoke from you burning all the Christmas cards in the roasting pan is going to leave a bit of scent! Use the turkey baster to drizzle more premium unleaded to ensure all the cards are %100 burnt to ashes.
Usually right next to the till, you can find stockings designed to hang above the fireplace. Make sure you grab enough for the whole family so no one gets left out, but grab a few extra. Once you’re done hanging all the stockings for the family, take the extra ones out back and fill them with sockets from the garage. These will come in real handy when that fat guy in the stoopid suit slides down your chimney and into your house. Breaking and entering is a crime and so is stealing all your cookies and milk. Legally you are allowed to use any means necessary to protect your private property or if you feel threatened, so wait for that fat bastard to get right in your living room before you beat the tar out of him with your socket stuffed stockings.
The automotive department is a personal favorite for me at Canadian Tire during the holidays, grab yourself one of those festive looking winch bumpers for your truck. Don’t be frugal, get the one made from quarter inch plate steel and ensure you fasten it real tight with grade 8 bolts so that it can’t come loose when you commit vehicular manslaughter on the carol singing, 14-foot tall, top-hat wearing, inflatable snowman down the street from your house.
All kidding aside, let’s not lose sight of what the holidays are about; family, friends, food gluttony and a couple paid days off. Relax, sleep in, read a book; I don’t care. Just remember how lucky we are to wake up every day and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Because there are people out there less fortunate than us, or have passed on before their time, and don’t have that freedom.
Happy Holidays from CDub