How to Snow Dance the Right Way
Snowseekers. We’re a strange breed. The never-ending obsession with deep snow days turns us into certifiable weirdos—eccentric morons whose bizarre quirks alienate us from the general population.
The most curious of these quirks must be the conviction that we have the power to call down precipitation from the heavens above by appeasing the Snow Gods with a passionately executed ceremonial “Snow Dance”. In most circles, this belief would be enough to send us straight to the loonie bin.
But the power of the Snow Dance is accepted as truth amongst sledders, because…well because without faith, what chance have we got? It just has to be true. And the more people doing it has to increase the odds, right?
But first, we must understand that one Snow Dance ain’t like the other. And, like any good ritual, it’s best not to go in blind. Here are a few examples to help make sure that your dry-spell booty-shakin’ yields the proper results this winter.
How to Snow Dance the Right Winter Storm
The Duck Walk
Right around the same time Joseph Bombardier was assembling his first Ski-Doo in 1935, this particular dance was first being performed by the legendary guitarist, T-Bone Walker. It would later be popularized by Chuck Berry in the 50s, as he hopped one-legged across the stage in a squat, wailing out riffs on his axe during performances of Johnny B. Goode.
It’s a well-known made-up fact that doing a kilometer-long Duck Walk in a full-faced helmet on a hot summer day guarantees a winter that’ll totally “razz your berries”.
(not to be confused with The Boondock)
It’s hard to talk about the moonwalk in this day and age. It’s largely associated with a man who should never have been trusted with anyone’s children. But it’s worth noting that MJ didn’t actually invent the moonwalk, and that its origins can be traced as far back as Cab Calloway in the 1930s. James Brown did it as well, as did a handful of other performers over the years.
Either way, moonwalking has little to no effect on precipitation. But you’ll likely only be able to do it in a pair of thick wool socks on a hardwood floor, so at least your toes will be ready for the first cold snap of the season.
Strangely enough, there’s no Wikipedia entry for The Worm, so we can only assume that it was invented by some guy who dropped his keys under the truck. As far as moves go, it’s fairly self-explanatory. But it’s about as good for your spine as loading your own sled without a ramp.
That being said, if anyone within your crew of riding buddies is able to successfully execute The Worm, it is rumoured to guarantee a snowfall of 45 cm on the eve of January 7th.
The more people doing The Dougie in the offseason, the deeper the winter’s going to be. And it’s one of the easiest dance moves out there—all you do is step side-to-side with a little more style than usual, and maybe even run your fingers through your hair while you’re doing it for increased effectiveness.
Anyone can learn. So teach ALL your friends how to Dougie, especially the ones named Doug. Because Dougs doing The Dougie make it snow even harder.
If you thought this move was reserved for ladies in yoga pants, you’re as wrong as wrong can be. It’s a secret weapon employed by sledders who live in drier climates, who need to rustle up storms with the most aggressive move they can muster.
The harder the twerk, the deeper the following day, even if you live in the Rocky Mountains. You can’t argue with science.
It’s plenty easy these days to find hyper-sexualized music videos online with these kind of moves, so you probably don’t need our help polluting your browser history. Have fun.
How to Snow Dance
Of course, this list is anything but exhaustive. So you’ll just have to use your imagination for The Robot, The Sprinkler, The Watusi, The Achy Breaky Heart and all the others. And remember, as ridiculous as any of these moves might seem, Snow Dances are better for the environment than burning a stack of old snowmobiles.
These two guys could bring on the next Ice Age!