Humour
November 27th, 2018
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A (Somewhat Raunchy) Love Letter to Snow

Dear Snow,

You have no idea how you’ve affected me, your influence has changed my life.

From a young age I’ve loved the way you can transform the world from a drab, fall landscape into something bright, cold and welcoming. I cannot count the number of times in my forty-three years that I’ve gone to bed with visions of a dead landscape, only to wake up and find the earth renewed. The way you can cover up fallen leaves and dog shit renders me breathless.

Love Letter to Snow

My affair with you started early, first with toboggans, then snowball fights and forts. I’ve enjoyed you on snowshoes, skis and now snowmobiles. It was your fault that I gave up on having a normal life and moved across the continent. While Ontario winters can be nice, they are far too short. And you were truly meant to be showcased draped dramatically over mountains.

You are the reason I now live in a town I can’t afford and have a job that gives me as much time off as I work. For you, I will flog my credit cards until they can’t take anymore.

Love Letter to Snow

I’ve always enjoyed your company though you cause my back to ache from shovelling. When I see your fat flakes falling I know it will be a great day, even when my driveway is already full. Any day spent in your presence is wonderful. But those times when you are untouched, fresh and virginal fill me with a lust that can only be satiated by hours spent immersed in you.

While I understand that everyone has different tastes, I’ve never understood how some preferred you ploughed down and manicured. Sure there are moments when my energy sags or too many others have been enjoying your company that you need to be cleaned up. But I will always prefer you in your natural state.

And while I pledge to remain faithful, I will never ask the same of you. The only thing that makes time with you more fulfilling is to share you with a small handful of my close friends. This may sound blasphemous, but there is so much of you to go around. I want everyone to share in the feelings of euphoria that you have given me.

Love Letter to Snow-3
The only thing that makes time with you more fulfilling is to share you with a small handful of my close friends.
– Author

Love Letter to Snow

You’re a true femme fatale. I know that my infatuation with you can draw me into your deadly grasp. Eyes wide open, I do my utmost to treat you with respect and reverence. Though you complete my life, it is with trepidation that I caress you.

It is difficult to have a one-way relationship, but it feels like that with you most of the time. You show up when you please, and go away without warning. There are times when you choose to shower your attention upon others instead, leaving me waiting and wanting. But in the end it just makes me beg for your affection even more.

Love Letter to Snow-2

There have been times where I was focused on other loves, like dirt. But I could never resist your presence when you would finally arrive in December. To be immersed in your cold embrace is to find the fountain of youth; to feel that jab in the vein as you wake up my bloodstream and dilate my pupils. You have an allure that takes me away—a first true love that cannot be forgotten. 

 

– Matthew