What Grocery Shopping Would Be Like If Sledders Acted in Public the Way Some Do Online

We talk to more people, know more about the lives of others and follow along with news and events in an interactive way that was only imagined a few short years ago. Unfortunately this has also lead to a whole legion of people who say things that they would never say in public, about things they often don’t know, for reasons no one can understand. With that in mind, I have decided to let my mind wander and envision what grocery shopping might be like if sledders acted in public the way some do online…

As you enter the store, you grab a grocery cart and start wheeling towards the back. The snow bikers immediately begin to make fun of your cart, telling you that you will never make it, you will only fit through the aisles with a basket—your giant four-wheeled cart is so old school.

You politely assure them that while baskets are cool, you have always used carts and have never had a problem getting to the back. The basket-packers zoom off, dodging in and out of the other shoppers plodding down the aisle.

First stop is the meat department. You are a beef eater. Beef is your brand and tonight is a great night for a steak so you begin to check out the latest in T-bones. A pork eater casually walks up and tells you that beef is garbage and white meat is better; you don’t know why, he has no info other than his say so, and you certainly didn’t ask his opinion. Smiling and nodding, you tell him thanks but you prefer beef. He proceeds to go into a ten minute speech about all of the people he knows that used to eat beef but didn’t like the quality and they have all been happier since changing to pork. He even offers you his pork dealer’s number. Gee thanks.

As you put your juicy steak into your cart, a panicked looking vegetarian runs over to you and screeches in horror. After she chastises you for daring to even consider eating meat, you again politely acknowledge that she likes different meals than you and that’s ok—you can all eat, there’s plenty of food in the grocery store for everyone. Without saying another word she stomps off and starts calling her friends, expressing her desire to shut down the meat department completely. How selfish of her.

Your steak needs some accompaniment on the dinner plate and the produce section is next. You’ve never been one to leave your beef stock, and potatoes have been adding to the enjoyment of your beef dinners for years. The moment you pick up a bag of Russets you hear a voice from behind you shout, “Rice is better!” You nod and tell him that while you enjoy rice, you had your heart set on potatoes tonight. He arrogantly replies, “You’ll be sorry—everyone knows that rice is faster and lighter than potatoes.”

Another voice chirps in “Potatoes are hardly even a vegetable you know—they inflate their claims, it’s really a tuber.”

Still more voices: “My buddy ordered potatoes once and they never arrived!”

“Potatoes suck!”

“My potatoes rotted and the store wouldn’t give me new ones!”

Further down the aisle someone starts yapping about corn.

You sigh, take your potatoes and wander over to the beverages. Your beef manual states that your beef should only be lubricated by red wine, but wine is rather expensive so you start looking at some sparkling pomegranate juice instead. No fewer than 150 people line up behind you, each holding up a different kind of juice and telling you how pomegranate juice will destroy your meal. While you hold up the label and show them that this juice meets all of the manufacturer’s recommendations, they do their best to assure you that their buddy’s uncle’s, father-in-law’s roommate had three meals ruined by pomegranate. A few people in the crowd call you cheap, one calls you an idiot and some question whether you even know how to eat. Who knew that fluids could cause such a debate?

Once you get to the checkout you are told that you can have a discount on your potatoes as long as you post pictures of every meal and hashtag #russetsrule on your social media accounts. That seems like a fair deal—you were going to buy the potatoes anyway so you agree.  The teller smiles and thanks you for being a potato ambassador before pointing out the local food club volunteers sitting by the door. “You really should join the food club too, they are working hard to make sure we can all keep eating.” Now that seems like a good idea.

— Marty