10 Commandments of Sledding Style
The Lord said to Moses, “Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you the tablets of stone with the law and commandments I have written for their instruction.” – Exodus 24:12
… Or something like that. Some of the names and events in the bible are clearly misleading, I believe they spelled ‘C-Dub’ incorrectly throughout the Old Testament, not too sure where they got ‘Moses’ from. Never heard of him. Must have been a spellcheck error. I think ‘camel’ was also mistranslated; supposed to be: ’snowmobile’. ‘Jesus’ is actually Hebrew for ‘Brett Turcotte’, and ‘bread’ and ‘wine’ was actually meant to be ‘beef jerky’ and ‘Red Bull’.
Anyways, this is what actually went down when I wheelie’d my way up to talk to God about the Ten Commandments of sledder style, and between me and you there were actually 15 commandments but I dropped one of the tablets and it broke into like, a million pieces. Butterfingers.
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s style
Be original. Only Tim Horton can get away with selling the same coffee and donuts as every other coffee and donut shop because he was a badass in the NHL for 25 years. Unless you were a badass in the NHL for 25 years you’re going to need to come up with something more than coffee and donuts. Sledding is a unique sport because there are no rules and no referees; we are free to paint the canvas any way we choose.
2. No other god’s before your snowmobile
Unless you’re riding it you should be polishing it, fixing it, tuning it, lightening it, looking at it, and/or thinking about it. Other acceptable activities include: anything where pow hits you in the face or anything with handlebars.
3. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy and go to church
How are you supposed to work on corking your whips if you don’t get out and ride? Ditch whatever it is you had to do before the pow day happened and go sledding. You’re not going to get better sitting on the couch eating All Dressed chips.
4. Thou shalt respect the elders of the church
When you see an old boy roll up to the spot with an open face helmet, sunglasses and a ‘92 Indy with a purple tunnel and a Genesis PSI 1085 that sounds like the devil in heat, remember that he was tuning triple carb setups before you were knee high to a short duck. Respect.
5. Thou shalt pimp thy ride
The all-black sled is limp. Throw some accents in there. When your whole squad rolls up and the warning labels are still on everyone’s machine, it might be time to open that wallet again, shoo the moths away and fork over some cash for a wrap. Caveat: Insane Clown Posse, John Deere, or the pornstar chick wraps will not be tolerated anymore. Caveat Caveat: Lose the Calvin peeing on something decal. It’s worse than the stick family, no one cares, and it’s irritating.
6. Thou shalt Rock n Roll
If the objective for the day is to crush a chute called “Bone Mangler” or “Satans Slit”, don’t throw on Meatloaf’s greatest hits or ABBA’s Dancing Queen. Rip your face off to some Pantera or Slayer.
7. Thou shalt progress
Being progressive is a style. Go out with the intention of at least trying something new each ride. Especially if the snow conditions are ‘challenging’; squeaking out a technical sidehill on a deep pow day is rewarding but practice it on a sun baked bulletproof slope and the next pow day will be a breeze. Learn something new because one of the definitions of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results.
8. Thou shalt not get wasted
Sure, Sundays were set aside to break bread and drink wine with friends and family after church, but the drunk tank and DUI’s will never be cool. Ease up on the sauce while riding and save the beer bong for after you’ve got home safe and sound.
9. Thou shalt not flood the internet with crap
That’s my job. Here’s what I think of your Instagram photo of your lunch: THUMBS DOWN FART NOISE. I’m all for checking out photos of your trip to the mountains but if you’re going to share your adventure with the world, be creative. There are currently 9,010,000 images (and counting) of ‘snowmobile on a mountain’ on the internet. Show us what else you saw while riding your sled.
10. Thou shalt not bear false Radness
Claiming shit in the bar, going out the next day and stinking it up then blaming it on the hangover won’t get you any style points. A good tradesperson makes noise in silence. Let your 90-foot airs do the talking.