October 24th, 2015

C-Dub’s Goodtimes Theory for Fun

“My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.”
– Steven Hawking


“What’s for lunch?”
– Colin Wallace


Both are excellent examples of profound and scholarly insight from two of the world’s leading scientists in their respective fields of study.

Steven Hawking may not have much time left, the 73-year-old physicist now being capable of moving just one muscle in his cheek to communicate. After being diagnosed with ALS in his twenties and given only two years to live, Dr. Hawking has amassed an impressive arsenal of ground-breaking theories backed by mathematical equations that have forever changed the study of time and space.

I, on the other hand, have just completed my doctorate in Goodtimes and have been making great headway in my studies with no signs of slowing down yet. In his life’s work, Dr. Hawking explains and proves his theories of black holes, the beginning and end of time, how light bends time and other cosmology hypotheses—blah blah blah. Way over my head and presumably yours. I am going to present to you the shortened version of my life’s work and the mathematical equations to prove it.

Einstein’s general theory of relativity is all fine and good and I’m glad Newton got hit on the head with an apple but what really should matter to most of us is having a good time. Everything can be proved with a mathematical formula and with proper input of the relevant variables we can come up with an exact number (on a scale of 1 to 10) to represent the amount of fun we are going to have sledding that day.


Goodtimes=W+(2(π+(s+gc)-s)+ ((n+(2+i))(i+i))- ((dro-dto)/time)-( ( b)(t⁸)/time)/( ft- c⁴)/T


Constant: the only constant is time. 

Variables: based on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being the best. Here they are:




Low weather variable

Low weather variable





gc=good cheese




n=number of companions

i=companions that are complete idiots


High weather and companion variables

High weather and companion variables



Average frequency of snowmobile running well=POS=(dro-dto)/time

POS=piece of shit

dro=days rode out

dto=days towed out


High POS variable

High POS variable







High hangover variable

High hangover variable



Based on a weekend starting at 5 pm on Friday and ending at 8 on Monday morning (63 hours)

ft=free time=63 (constant)

c=time allotted for chores during free time window

c=pay bills

c=fold laundry

c=fix leaky showerhead

c=vacuum the house


Low weather variable but high companion variable

Low weather variable but high companion variable


Remember, Goodtimes=W+L+C-POS-H/T!


– Druncle C-Dub