August 19th, 2015

Guide to Summertime Activities

Waiting for the snow to come back can be horrible at the best of times. Luckily, there are countless lakes to cool off in, majestic mountain ranges to traverse, thousands of kilometers of trails to explore, festivals every weekend, farmers markets, friends and family to visit and the list goes on and on. I prefer to sit on the couch in my underwear. With the blinds closed of course, the sun coming in through the window could harm my pasty white skin. Hiking guidebooks, festival schedules, band tour dates, blah blah blah. There are piles of information available that I could direct you to that will help you through the vast abundance of outdoor activities in the summer. Well, nothing is more vast that the Internet, so take off your pants, crank the A/C and let me guide you through some of the best of the best that is online.

Here’s how I came up with the rating scale:

1: I could visit the site once and spend a couple minutes there.

2: Remember the show “Frasier”? It kinda sucked but there wasn’t really anything else on so you watched it anyway.

3: Slightly more entertaining than watching your neighbour slip on the ice in front of the house.

4: Slightly more entertaining than watching your neighbour slip on the ice in front of the house and sending groceries into the stratosphere.

5: I could visit this site a couple more times.

6: I LOL’d

7: I am texting this website to 4 friends.

8: This is Facebook worthy.

9: This is gonna be a classic.

10: You have been on the website long enough you have lost your job, the dog has chewed a hole through the back door, your beard is biblical, and there is now snow on the ground.

www.createfarts.com

Rating: 1

It doesn’t matter how old you are, farting is funny, but it doesn’t take long to realize that there are more combinations of ingredients than there are fart noises. Lame.

www.staggeringbeauty.com

Rating: 7

It’s kind of confusing at first, there is a black flaccid worm with eyes that follows the cursor when you move it, but when you wig out with the cursor, crazy lights, flashing and techno music happens. Get ready to trip balls, man. There is actually a warning on the page. Hours of entertainment.

www.zombo.com

Rating: 4

The only limitation is yourself. The unattainable is attainable at zombo com. Do yourself a favour and sit through the whole thing.

www.opentopia.com/map.php

Rating: 10

This is the real deal. I mean you can really kill some time on this one. Live webcams from all over the world from Metro nightclub in Ukraine to Kobayashi Cookies in Taiwan.

http://procatinator.com

Rating: 2

The creator of this website takes cats doing cute things and loops the video to a song. Click on the upper left to see more cats doing different stuff. Or try to give yourself paper cuts on the skin between your fingers. Worth a look though.

www.purple.com/purple.html

Rating: 0

How does this piece of shit even exist?

www.omglasergunspewpewpew.com

Rating: 9

A squirrel in space with a jet pack and a laser that makes pew pew noises when you click the mouse. Pretty tight. If you click the icon in the lower left of the screen you will see that the page is designed as an intro to another site that sells weird Harry Potter goggles and some witchcraft looking stuff.

http://notevendoommusic.com

Rating: 3

Trip balls with this cat and techno music mashup site. Click the mouse and a taxidermy looking cat head comes up and makes a noise. Yawn.

www.oj.com

Rating: 5

This guy obviously though he was going to be the Donald Trump of the Internet and purchased the domain name with hopes of selling it to a major orange juice brand. This website looks like it was designed 25 years ago or by an 11 year old. Bonus points for the orange juice pouring game though. I passed. Will you?

www.dwdiamond.com/index.html

Rating: 6

I feel embarrassed for this guy. He was on Saturday Night Live like 30 years ago and lost a contest to host the show and now he writes letters to the show’s founder Lorne Michaels. EVERYDAY! Real legit crazy guy stalker. He also posted some music he wrote that includes the lyrics so you can sing along. Creepy.