Hippy + Redneck = Hipnecks
I’m really into hybrid words these days.
Take two words you like and make them one. If you were a champion at camping, you would be a campion. If your dog has his/her own tent, it is now called a dent. I like to think I’m a hybrid hippy and redneck. A Hipneck. I enjoy organic produce, tea, ski touring, hacky sack and handmade hats. I also enjoy shooting beer cans, chainsaws, flat-deck trucks, NASCAR, Alan Jackson and burning as much 94 octane through my snowmobile as I can. Golden has a good mix of hybrids, so here’s a little examination to see how you stack up. I haven’t done a quiz since Christ was a cowboy, so this should be fun.
1. Where is the best place to keep your avalanche shovel?
A) On the outside of your pack
B) Inside your pack
C) Strapped securely to your sled
D) In your buddy’s bag, as long as someone has one you’re all good
2. How much pepperoni should I bring for one day of sledding?
A) 1 stick per km of riding
B) 10 sticks per km of riding
C) 25 sticks per km of riding
D) 30 sticks per km of riding
E) All of the above
3. What size tires should I put on my new truck?
A) 33”
B) 35”
C) 37”
D) 44”
E) This question is irrelevant because whatever Dan Bilzerian has is gonna be cooler than what I have
4. What should my bros and I listen to on the way to Quartz Creek?
A) AC/DC
B) Merle Haggard
C) Biggie
D) Alan Jackson
5. I need a new haircut. What style should I get?
A) Fade
B) Perm
C) Shaved
D) Skip the haircut, go to East Side Mario’s to pig out on Pilsners with the fellas and rock your shaggy cul de sac like a boss
6. If there are tracks on a slope already it should be good to go, right?
A) True
B) False
7. What beverage should I bring with me to stay hydrated?
A) Purp
B) Budweiser
C) Water
D) Coffee
E) Monster
8. What can I strap to my tunnel to look cool?
A) Stuffed toy animal
B) Snowboard
C) Tripod
D) Skis
E) Dan Bilzerian
9. What should I do with my garbage?
A) Pack it out
B) Leave it on the ground, my mommy’s coming later
C) Leave it in the cabin, my mommy’s coming later
D) Throw it in the fire. Take only memories, leave only ashes.
10. There’s someone with a camera on a tripod. Do you….
A) Whip
B) Backflip
C) Skull a Monster
D) Do a sit down doughnut
11. Guy on a Viper pushin’ 76 pounds of boost and a 247” track shows up. Do you…
A) Give him your lunch and Monster, he’s gonna need it when he gets stuck
B) Take his lunch and Monster, he’ll get back to the truck in like 14 seconds to get more
C) Sit back, put your feet up by the fire and wait till he breaks trail into everywhere
D) Make yourself scarce, he’s gonna get real stuck and need help eventually
12. I met this girl that likes Gucci and boots with the furrrrr and wants to come sledding, should I…
A) Double her in to take her out with the fellas sledding.
B) Leave her in the parking lot to hang with the Keller’s dog Boma.
C) Let her take the truck back into town and pick you up later
D) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
13. There is a sale on plaid and bar oil at Golden Home Hardware.
A) Why are you still reading this?
B) No thanks, rainbow is my favorite color and I have an electric chainsaw that uses patchouli oil
C) No thanks, denim is my favorite color and I make my own bar oil in the barn
D) I’m not sure what bar oil is
14. There is free ice time at the arena.
A) Why are you still reading this?
B) Currently don’t have a stick because my stick sponsor dropped me because I break too many sticks because my wrist shot is too mega
C) Ya. So?
D) Hmmmm, I dunno… do we get a flood too?
15. I just picked up my new sled that I dropped $47,932.71 on.
A) Don’t come near it, I will cut you
B) I know it’s only October, but let’s try to get into Secret Creek
C) If you need me I’ll be working 27 hour graveyard shifts for the next 294 days to pay for it
D) Don’t tell my wife
16. I have 6 hours to kill in Golden while my sled is getting an emergency clutch-ectemy. What should I do?
A) Go to Darkside and ask Robyn to bring out every pair of shoes to try on
B) Write a 7,000 word post-colonialist critical analysis of Margaret Atwood’s Oryx and Crake
C) Talk about going for a jog down by the river but then don’t go for jog down by the river
D) Smoke darts
17. Buddy just scratched the tailgate on your truck with the ramp, what do you do?
A) Engage full meltdown mode and serve up a horrible, horrible beating
B) All good brah. It’s just a truck
C) Make him hitchhike back home
D) Steal his wallet, go directly to Vegas
Answer key:
1. Inside your pack.
In case something goes wrong and you get washed through the trees it could get ripped off your pack and gone forever which would be really inconvenient if it ever came time to dig your buddy out.
2. 1 stick per km of riding.
Or 1 stick per 0.621371 of a mile if you’re from ‘Murica’.
3. This question is irrelevant because whatever Dan Bilzerian has is gonna be cooler than what you have.
You might as well get the biggest, coolest tires you can find because sledding is %10 riding, %40 talkin’ shit, and %50 looking good.
4. B and D. Merle Haggard and Alan Jackson.
This is a trick question and I’m only gonna tell you this once. There are only two types of music on planet Earth: country and western.
5. Fade.
The Joe Dirt look might be funny for a few hours on Friday night but you gotta crush that million dollar deal at work on Monday right?
6. False.
Are you a Lemming? No you are not and I know this because Lemmings cannot read or crush Monster. Lemmings also jump off cliffs because other Lemmings do. Don’t be a Lemming, gather you own information and make your own decisions.
7. Water.
8. Dan Bilzerian.
Does your snowboard have 5.8 million followers on Instagram? Probably not, but if it does, kick Dan off and strap that boogie woogie one ski down!
9. Pack it out.
Come on, how old are you?
10. Do a sit down doughnut.
Nothing screams “I rule this galaxy, now bow down!” like a greasy sit down doughnut.
11. Sit back, put your feet up by the fire and wait till he breaks trail into everywhere.
Straight cold chillin. WWSD. (What Would Snoop Do?)
12. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Best bet here is to be as indecisive as possible. Don’t say no and don’t say yes. Don’t invite and don’t not invite.
13. No thanks, denim is my favorite color and I make my own bar oil in the barn.
You are clearly from Saskatchewan and don’t have time to go to Golden Home Hardware because you’re too busy being sweet.
14. Why are you still reading this?
You’re still reading this?
15. I know it’s only October, but let’s try to get into Secret Creek.
Bring your new pow skis too, should be a good time.
16. Smoke darts.
Make it a challenge. Try to smoke a whole deck and bum a light from a different person every time you fire up. Then steal their lighter.
17. All good brah. It’s just a truck.
I got way more important things on my mind like what I’m having for lunch tomorrow. Come get me when you have a line on tar and feathers and someone who needs to really get it like an axe murderer.
– CDubbleyou
