Road Trippin’ Essentials: Smokes, Labatt’s & More Smokes
I’ll get to the road trippin’ part in a bit, but first hear me out.
If you were an alien looking down from space at the building a snowmobile trade show was in, it would probably look like a large birdfeeder but for middle-aged men.
The trade show season can be a whirlwind if you are a vendor and can also be a sensory overload for the patron. Pace yourself.
The Saskatchewan show is by far my favorite because of the people. Harvest is done and that means farmers are looking for activities to do after church and a Costco run on Sunday; cue the sea of John Deere hats, real tree camo, and 19,000 gallons of shitty event venue concession-stand coffee in white styrofoam cups. There’s something majestic about stirring in powdered coffee whitener (which I recently discovered is flammable) and nutrasweet with a brown plastic stir stick while swagging worn out wrangler jeans, moustache, favorite tractor brand hat perched as high as possible without falling off and worn out cowboy boots. Every single show-goer is willing to stand in front of your booth and talk your ear off for 3 hours about a grain auger that ‘just won’t quit after all these years and hundreds of thousands of bushels’ because Saskies are the friendliest people in the country.
But I’m not going to church it up for you. Driving from BC to Saskatchewan and vice versa sucks. The adventurous aroma of road tripping is quickly replaced with the stench of car farts and fast food breath mouth breathing. Turning off the highway between Calgary and Edmonton towards Drumheller reveals an endless farmland landscape that is majestic for about 2 minutes. “Wow! We can see forever!” is quickly replaced with “How much farther? Sweet baby Jesus, I can see the lights of the next town and it’s 173km away!”
Thinking of road tripping from Sask to the mountains for the first sled trip of the year? Here’s what you need:
Gold metal flake open face helmet
48 pounds of your Baba’s perogies (with fried onions and sauerkraut) jammed into a 4 liter thermos
Jeans
Sorels
Smokes
10 litres of root beer schnapps
George Strait’s Greatest Hits
Multiple plaid/denim jackets. (layered for optimal breathability and waterproofing)
Those big assed sheepskin mitts that came up to your elbow and have the soft snot wiper on the back of the hand
Clip on shades for your prescription glasses
Ice fishing rod and a couple Len Thompson 5 of diamonds
6 pouches of Red Man
Totally stock 1994 Polaris Indy with a 136 track that is so clean it could go back onto the showroom floor
If you’re comping from Alberta, here’s what you need:
Sweatpants
Dunlops
Blue flame retardant coveralls with the reflective X on the back
Smokes
Monster
60 pounder of Wild Turkey
7-11 chicken
Green Kings
Log of Copenhagen. Long Cut
Bright orange hunting toque
Smith goggles you found in the trunk of the 400 dollar beater you drive to the rig.
Mossberg 500 and 250 rounds of target load. No skeets.
Totally modded out ’04 Rev with the Bikeman big bore kit, muff pot and sacked out front shocks
Coming from Manitoba? Remember to pack your:
Georgetown Hoyas Starter jacket
Winnipeg Jets hat
Tearaway track pants
Smokes
Your hockey gear
Roughly 800 cans of Labatt’s Blue
100% cotton fingerless gloves
20 pounds of frozen pickerel fillets
10 pounds of moose jerky
Roughly 1600 cans of Labatt’s Blue
That dog you got from the rez a couple weeks back that barks all the friggin time and is probably just gonna run away
98 Summit 670X with a milk crate ratchet strapped to the back
Roughly 2400 cans of Labatt’s Blue
If for some reason you decide to drive to BC from Ontario, don’t. But if you fall and hit your head and decide to anyway, bring your:
Limited edition Maple Leafs camo jacket
Leafs logo rubber boots
Couple 24 sacks of Molson X in Maple Leafs cooler
Dad’s old 22 with Maple Leafs sticker holding the crack in the stock together
Hudson’s Bay blanket in Maple Leafs colours
Bear rug wearing Doug Gilmour’s jersey
Maple Leafs coffee mug with double double
Alanis Morrisette and Bryan Adams singing the national anthem at the old Maple Leaf Gardens mixtape
400 Burkie’s hot dogs from the Air Canada Center
Dave Andreychuk autographed stick
15 official licensed Leafs turtle necks
1982 Scandic
Si vous voyagez en provenance du Quebec a la Columbie-Britannique pour montoneige n’oubliez pas d’apporterces choses:
Cigarettes
Labatt’s 50
Poutine
Cigarettes
Maple syrup
Cigarettes
Labatt’s 50
Cigarettes
Bescherelle
Cigarettes
Labatt’s 50
Jeez b’y if ya gitter on da go an bend da elbow corkin a few wobbly’s and ends up droppin over round b’y n b’y with the snow scoot in da back of da truck best not furget yer:
Salt beef in case ya git gutfounded
Darts
Gib rap mixtape
Scrips for rits
20 gallons of Screech
350,000 bottles of Moosehead
50 pounds of cod to really fire up a scoff
Varying sizes of tumwrenches
99 Powder Special set up fer doin’ wheelies
– CDialer
